We are a sum total of our emotions. Each moment that we spend on thinking, influences us and makes us who we are. Any kind of thinking – good or bad, small or big – manifests itself into what we seek, what we desire, and finally into our actions. But how much we may try, we don’t have control on our emotions. A tiny flick somewhere, a flap of butterfly elsewhere, can influence and trigger a completely different emotion.
I experienced something similar recently. An emotion so alien and so childish to me, popped up into my head and made me question the foundations of my logical and rational thinking. And the fact that it was very childish and irrational emotion, made me think about it even more.
I ended a relationship with my girlfriend sometime back.
We were friends for a long time and then dated for one year. But in the end on some level we both realized that things weren’t working out. I must say it was I who was more adamant on ending that relationship.
Call me names, cast me a villain for this, but I must tell you one thing. There is nothing worse than a relationship where the two people who may live together physically, but their souls are miles away from each other. You two have so many meaningless talks but enjoy so few meaningful silences. We had became like this, and I was the one who put this realization into words.
It was not bitter, the breakup, she didn’t resist much to it. Maybe she also had realized that on some level we are already separated, no more together. It was reflected in the way she reacted when we had a talk about this.
It has been a few months since things ended and I was working late one evening in my office. The hectic work had taken its toll and I was tired as hell. I went to get a coffee. On my way, I logged into my FB account and started going through its feed.
As I was scrolling down, an update caught my eye. It was a location update of my ex-girlfriend. She was in Lonavla, a hill station in Pune. It wasn’t surprising because I knew about her plan, she was planning it for a long time. But what caught my attention was the name of the person tagged along with hers. It was Rohit, my best friend from college.
I felt a twisting pang in my stomach.
For the next few seconds, my mind was completely blank as I checked their photos. I wasn’t thinking then, my fingers like the hands of a clock, spurred by a hidden working of gears, kept on flicking on the screen.
Apparently, she had invited Rohit to join her and her friends on that trip. Now, the fact that we were not a couple should ensure that I remain neutral about Rohit being with her. Also, Rohit, I knew was committed to a girl, so the ‘cliched’ worry of my best friend with my ex girl friend was not there. Still, I felt a feeling which comes when one is wronged, or betrayed.
The feelings surged as I overcame the initial surprise. I was no more a teenager whose heart flutter with every action of his friends. And, I have laughed and scoffed at friends who had mentioned feeling like this, and had bend before such emotions. Still I was not able to take off my mind from this.
I thought about the irrationality of my emotions, the baselessness of my worries. I thought about how ridiculous these thoughts were, how pity my concerns were. With a shrug, I mentally kicked myself for being so shallow.
By that time, I had reached the coffee machine. I decided to take a Cappuccino. On my way back, I thought about the mysterious workings of the mind – the making of emotions in the cesspool of many fluids in our heads. One thing connects to another and our thoughts, and our emotions are changed in a second. I was so engrossed in work five minutes back, and now I was worrying about the thing which had no practical impact on me.
With this realization, the mindless chatter subsided. I smiled and sat on the chair, and started juggling with the different shapes in a PowerPoint presentation.
And then, the thoughts appeared again along with the twisted pangs in stomach and I felt like a fish out of the water. I flipped the lid of laptop screen down and leaned back on the chair. I realized that I won’t be able to work anymore. I cursed Mark Zuckerberg for creating FB and cursed myself for logging on it and then decided to leave the office early and call it a day.