What do you do when you are alone and drunk on a Saturday night? Pathetic no? Yes, it is. I know it. But I’m in no mood to sugar coat it. It is the way it is.
You remember your exes. You remember them one by one. You’ll remember them all.
First, you remember the ones you loved. The ones you were mad about. The ones who left you. But they will fade away, eventually, in the fumes of your thoughts. For, however hard you might love them, they are not the worthy one. For they left you, left a broken heart, and neverending tears. They were non-happening events after all.
Then, eventually, for sometime at least, you’ll end up remembering, that one ex whom you had ditched. The one who was madly in love with you, but you never bothered much about her, because you apparently didn’t love her after all. You liked her. You liked spending time with her. You liked her ways, her intellect, her cute way of talking to you. But you never loved her. For you didn’t love her. And you did the right thing by leaving them, you must have told this a many times.
You did the right thing … So you tell yourself.
But now, she is the one who will haunt you. The one who will seep into your mind, fill into your every thought, pass into your heart and transpire in a longing of such proportion that you’ll cry. Cry wondering why did you let her go. Why did you let her go when she loved you more than anything else in the world. When she liked everything about you. Everything, unconditionally.
All those things that others criticised about you, especially the ones who left you. Your ways which others found irritating, made fun of, scoffed at. Ahh.. the list is neverending. All of these were accepted by her, the one you ditched.
You must have that girl in your life, at one time, who cared for you, looked after you, knew everything about you -your birthday, your likes, your dislikes, what you want to eat, when you want to eat, what would pep up your mood, what would ruin your mood. Everything and anything that mattered to you. She knew it. She knew it like the rhythm of her breath, like the beats of her heart. And you let her go.
Because you didn’t feel that way for her like you did for that girl in the red dress. That symbolic girl who you always chased but never got. You liked the thrill of the chase. You opted for a mirage. And as a result, the one with you, the one who offered everything to you, was not good enough for you.
But she was the one, wasn’t it? Who else then.
It is on a night like this when the moon is hanging so low in the dark sky that you feel you can touch it with your hand and its milkiness seems to flow down from the sky like a gentle stream of a river. And the stars would shimmer like thousands of little boats sailing in the dark sea, rocking a little, moving gently.
It is on a light like this that you remember her, long for her touch, hope for the warmth of her breath, remember her sweet talk; and realize that you have let go that one chance to be happy in your life.
And now you are left with this realization – You shouldn’t have left her