“We’re meant to be!”
This belief. This feeling — It is the single most important reason that breaks up even the strongest of the relationships.
This belief that we are soulmates. That we are perfect for each other. That it’s a miracle that we ever met. That our meeting was somehow special (But which in reality is nothing but one of the equally probable chance event among the infinite sample space out there.) And this blind belief that now having found each other, nothing can change this. This state of love. And we’ll be like this, forever, for the rest of our lives.
It is this belief that starts a chain reaction that ultimately leads to the ending of any relationship.
Because those who find themselves in this ‘feeling’ of eternal love. This hallucinating state where everything else seems immaterial. This blinding rush where they are so lost in each other that world around them becomes a blur. This dream where they start believing that they have found this elixir, this power of invincibility.
It is these people fall the hardest when faced with the real challenge in any relationship.
For even if they may be able to fight off all the challenges that life may put in front of them. External challenges presented by this dogmatic society and its binding culture. Challenges that may be financial or social or physical. Challenges made up of rules and religion and customs …
… They might be able to fight off all these.
But these people in the high of love, they are not equipped to fight off the challenges that reside within them. These monsters hiding in their thoughts. Impersonating as their expectations which they impose upon others. These rusting agent which by creating doubts and insecurities and jealousy — these hit the very foundation of any relationship. And it’s extremely difficult to fight off these challenges.
For these challenges are you!
You may be able to fight the world. But how will you fight yourself? You against you! It’s a paradox. A chimera. Your own thoughts and feelings by creating a trap of expectations will push your relationship into its own grave. It will create a hallucination. That you are right. That you deserve this or that.
And in this fog of constant criticism, you will lose your way. Get lured so deep into its quagmire that you’ll be left wondering whats and whys and hows of your situation. Such is the trap that by the time it has trapped you, you won’t even realize that it has consumed you — this monster — that it has swallowed you, into its dark depths. And here you are left alone. Without help. Without any hope in sight.
And nine out of ten times, these people in ‘love’ when pitched against this monster. This monster made up of expectations and jealousy and insecurity. These people. These in ‘so-called-eternal-love.’ They can’t cope up. They fall. Knocked Out. Shot at point blank. Eliminated. Coup de Grace.
But why do they fall? Even when they started with this love?
Because when they are falling madly in love, and building this ‘belief’ that they can fight off any challenge — when they are drunk in love, high on dopamine — they forget to work on their relationship. They forget to build the foundation on which any relationship lasts.
They don’t realize that a long-lasting relationship is not made from the days when you are feeling this high. It is rather made up of those days when this high is absent. The days in which they embrace the reality of two people living together. People who are broken and twisted. In their own ways. Their tics, their peeves. Their peculiarities. The days in which we accept there togetherness not because of some high inducing hormone in their minds, but a rationality of two people living together in real lives!
It is so far from the romanticized version which we see in movies. Which is all about bright colors and constant thrills. Which does not show the monotony and the drudgery of the daily struggles and the constant calibration that a relationship requires. The real relationships are made in the days in which you accept and accommodate and adjust. When you let each other grow, and in turn, help each other flourish as well. It is when you work on the days like this that adds to the foundation of any relationship.
Relationships are not etched in stones.
They are not something which is destined to last forever. They are not durable and rigid and eternal on their own. They are malleable. They are ductile. Formless as gas. Atoms and molecules. Constantly taking shape of the vessel you provide them. In this state of flux, forming and deforming, they are prone to any force, weak as it may be. And if not take care, even these seemingly slight forces will chip the relationship away.
Slowly. Steadily. Gradually.
You have to protect your relationship.
That’s where people who start not with the ‘high’ of love are at an advantage. They know it’s vulnerability. They know how fragile it is. They know that it needs constant care. Constant nurturing. So they work on it. Day by day. Like parent nurturing their babies, they nurture their relationship. Feed it. Make it grow. Give it sunlight when moist. Put it in the shade when dry. It’s all about working. It’s all about protecting your relationship.
And like anything that accumulates slowly, (but is worked upon continuously) it appears insignificant in the beginning. You don’t realize its power. The power of repetition. The relationship grows with time. Gradually at first, then exponentially. As your financial investment grows in the long term due to compounding, your relationship grows in long term. This is the Compounding Principle of Relationship.
When I found such love, this amazing feeling of constant hallucination, when the world became a dream for me, I didn’t realize this principle. I neglected it. I let the relationship decay in my thirst of this constant high that I was seeking from this love. I didn’t work for this love, I didn’t let it grow. And in the process let this ultimate bliss in life go away.
Things don’t fall apart just like that. Relationships don’t fall in one day. They decay slowly and gradually. In the insecurities you harbor in your heart. In the doubts you let grow in your mind.
And slowly and gradually the love that made you shine like the brightest of the stars in this universe. The relationship that was the object of envy of all the others around you. It starts collapsing under the weight of its own expectations, the way a black star collapses under its own gravity. Until you are left with nothing, too late to do something about it. End of your story. End of your relationship.
Only if you are willing to work on your relationship. Gather tiny positives every day. In the way you smile at each other in the morning. Or in the way you pick up each other when they fall. It is in these daily little things that you can compound your relationship. Make it stronger, without you even knowing. Without the need for the dependence of that high of initial love. And by doing this, that high will become the outcome, not the reason for your relationship. Paving the way for a relationship that is not meant just for a few days or weeks or a few years — but for an entire lifetime.
Tell me,’ she questioned me, ‘how do you know that ‘us’ would work?
‘What makes you believe that we wouldn’t end up like them. Like those couples who physically live under one roof, but in their minds, they are many miles away from each other. Those who sit across each other in the fanciest of restaurants … Continue reading here